The Three Little Pigs and the Big Bad Gholam
by Kamarile
Summary: A WoT fairy tale.


Three Little Pigs  
Once upon a time there lived an Amyrlin pig and three little sister pigs. One day the Mother told the three little pigs that she was tired of them being stupid freeloaders and that if they didn't go out into the world and do something besides throwing wild Warder-swapping parties late at night in the White Tower, she would see to it that not a moment in their lives would pass where they wouldn't be sniffed at. Terrified at this prospect, the three little pigs began to get ready to leave. As they were packing their bags, the littlest pig tremblingly asked, "But Mother! What about the Big Bad Gholam that people say is about?" To which the Mother pig comfortingly told them, "Fish guts."   
So the three little pigs set out into the brave new world to make something of themselves, but they all caught colds after a day or two. The pigs decided that a life of adventure was not for them, and to build themselves some nice houses, far away from all the intruiging plotlines.   
  
The youngest pig was Green Ajah and a real cheapskate. Her one requirement for a house was privacy for herself and her troupe of Warders. She built her house of the One Power, because it was free and made a bold fashion statement. The middle pig was Brown Ajah and somewhat brighter. She built her house out of bricks. The eldest pig was White Ajah and very logical. She built herself a house of titanium-reinforced steel and concrete with barbed wire fences and patented lock systems. So the three made themselves at home.   
  
But just as they moved in, the Big Bad Gholam appeared in town. He came first to the Green pig's house and said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in!"  
Through the opaque walls, the voices of many males and one female pig could be heard in reply: "Not by the hair on our ch'in-ich'in chins!"  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll tear off your limbs!"  
So the Gholam huffed and he puffed and after a while he got tired of hyperventilating and walked through the weaves. He then made short work of the Green pig and her Warders.   
  
The Brown pig heard all the screaming and was terrified. She went and bolted all the windows and doors and hid behind her bookcase. Presently she heard the Big Bad Gholam come walking up the path. He said, "Little pig, little pig, let me come in!"  
"Not by the hair on my ch'in-ich'in chin!" quavered the Brown pig. I'd been meaning to use that hair removal cream, she thought.  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll tear off your limbs!"  
So the Gholam slid under the doorway and huffed and puffed in a manner so terrifying that the poor little pig died of fright. The Gholam shrugged and dismembered her for good measure.   
  
The White pig was not to be caught unprepared. She had been watching all this from her own personal stealth satellite sent into geosynchronous orbit and with it she could tell that the Big Bad Gholam was approaching her metal fortress at approximately 3.249618 meters per second. In no time, he was at the front gate. The pig could see him shouting but couldn't hear through the quadruple-strength bulletproof windows in her tower. She smiled a secretive Aes Sedai smile.  
The Big Bad Gholam pounded on the door and rang the musical doorbell repeatedly, but the White pig paid him no heed. After an hour or so, the Gholam, sore-knuckled and with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" stuck in his head, stalked off.  
"Well, that's the end of the Big Bad Gholam," said the White pig smugly. Just then, her phone rang. She picked it up. "Little pig, little pig, let me come in!" said the voice of the Gholam.  
The pig sighed and rolled her eyes. "Do we really have to go through with this?"  
"LET ME COME IN!!!!"  
"It is perhaps the least logical thing for one to do in my situation."  
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!"  
"Fine then. Not by the hair on my ch'in-ich'in chin." She sniffed.  
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll tear off your limbs!" cried the Gholam. First he tried walking through the walls, but since the house wasn't made of the One Power, he couldn't. Next he triedsliding underneath the door, but since all the gaps on the outside face of the hopuse had been triple-sealed with steel and concrete, he couldn't. Furiously, he huffed and puffed and huffed and puffed until he passed out. When he came to, he noticed that there was a doorknob. he turned it, opened the door, came into the house and killed the little pig. And he lived happily ever after.   
  
THE END   
  
Moral: If there's a Gholam around, don't build a house. Run like hell.   
  
~Kamarile   



End file.
